forever.

I will forever love you.
With all of my heart and my soul.
<3

Black and White

These are just a few of my recent photos.

october update.

So about five minutes ago I realised that my 17th birthday is next Wednesday... where the hell has the time gone?
For my birthday my beautiful boyfriend is buying me a tattoo, and after weeks of frustration trying to find the 'perfect' design, mama says "would you like me to design it for you?"... YES PLEASE! I would absolutely love to have my mothers artwork on me, that adds so much more depth and meaning to the tattoo itself, I am very exited. She is so talented too, I bet the design she draws up will be perfect, she knows what I like and we both like the same kind of artwork.


The last few weeks I have been spending a bit more time at home, and I have to say I feel very relaxed being there with my parents. I have had some amazing conversations with mum and dad and I feel connected again, if that makes sense. Just being there with them inspires me and makes me feel safe, they will never truly know how much they mean to me, how much they have done for me. I have learned everything I know from them and I thank them for guiding me into this world with my eyes open, instead of blindfolding me and hoping I find my way. They gave me my wings, showed me how to use them and then just at the right time, they let me fly... and just trust that I will always come back. That is it right there you know... I come back, not because I have to, but because I want to. They are truly the two most incredible people I know, and I am pretty sure I will never come across anyone else with the heart, soul, strength, passion and courage they have. I love them both with all of my heart and all I can hope is that I make them proud.


I have a confession to make. I am in love.
With Moxie my kitten // aka my brother.
He is absolutely adorable, he is so gentle.
I never thought I could love a cat so much, but I guess he proved me wrong.
He has such a hilarious personality, quite a character he is.
But most of all, I love the fact that my parents love him.
I see the small twinkle in each of their eyes when he is around.
I don't know what it is, but he has done something very special for them.

This weekend just past, Aaron and I went up to Ledge Point for a few days. We stayed in the Villa his parents rent out.
It was beautiful.
For one weekend I let everything crowding my mind go, and just relaxed.
I love spending time with Aaron, even if it's just us cuddling... not saying a word.
The love we share is very special.
He is very special.
Thank you bub for a weekend that I will treasure forever.

Last week I quit my job. I started at "guppy's to puppies" in Vic park, apart from it being a complete hassle to get there the owner was [with lack of a better word] a bitch.
She wouldn't let me have the day off, because she had to go and buy her daughter a new pony.
Okay step back for a second...
I am sick.
It is your business // not mine.
Your problem // not mine.
You basically abuse my father over the phone.

I hope you are not trying to buy your daughters love.

PLEASE REMOVE YOUR HEAD FROM YOUR ARSE.
That is all I have to say.

( by the way, I do realise life is not fair, and that the world isn't made up of daisies and candy canes, but this woman is ... I will leave it there. )

I think I am done here for now.
Much love
xoxox


Sometimes when the world looks black and white and you feel you cannot go on... look into your mothers, fathers, friends or lovers eyes - and I promise you will see the rainbow.

thoughts

Well I finally got the flu.
sniffle sniffle.

The other night I was looking out at the rain, and how the darkness and the clouds somewhat mask the entire world, and then the next morning I looked out at saw the same image but the sun was shining and the world seemed to blossom. It made me think about how this relates back to us human beings. It makes me think about how we all react in different situations and how different people can reveal something very different in us all. I mean if we are around negative people or things we can become shadows of who we once were.
We need to do what ever we can to not become zombies walking this earth.
We need to take advantage of all the possibilities and opportunities we are given.
But what if we slip up along the way? Is some part of us always going to be lost?
I think that is up to the individual themselves to decide.
And then this leads me into a different topic...
After talking to many different people and observing people in general, we are all dealing with our own personal demons. Everyone has something eating away at them, be it small or big. No one is entirely happy. Whether it is that they want something more when they already appear to have everything, or if they want something when they have nothing. Why can we never just appreciate what we have? I am not saying that everyone is depressed and unhappy, most of the time we may be happy and fine, but if triggered we all have that dark corner within us.
I'm not really going anywhere with this, It's just my personal observations, and maybe some day I will realise why I recorded this. Or maybe I wont, who knows?

Perhaps I think too much.

thats all
xoxo

July eh?

Well.well.well
It's July, its been ages since I made a post. I don't really have access to a computer very often, and if I do I forget to use it.
So anyways life has changed a bit lately, I'm pretty much staying at my Nana's place at the moment because of work and such, and I stay at Aaron's around four days a week (mainly the weekend). I still see mum and dad though, but because I don't see them as much as I used to I do miss them a lot. It's weird in a way. I miss being able to be myself like I could at home. They are the best parents in the world and even though I don't see them much I constantly think about them, and love them dearly.
On another note, seeing Aaron more than I used to has made me very happy, I love being with him and just being able to be myself. He is amazing and spending more time with him just makes me love him more and more each day. I love that boy.
But with all these changes my emotions have been a bit wobbly. I find that the routine of work sleep and eat gets to me after a little while, but I do love work, and I love the fact that I have found what I want to do with my life, in a way it makes me feel rather secure.
I haven't been feeling very well for the last couple of weeks, maybe I'm a bit run down, but the question is why I'm run down? Perhaps my emotions have gotten the better of me? Although considering how sick I was the last couple of years with migraines and such I have had a pretty good run this year. I don't even think I have had the flu yet. But my headaches have been pretty bad the past few weeks but I think it has something to do with my neck as well.
oh well, life goes on eh?

I bought a Nintendo DS lite on Thursday...impulse buy much?
No no I think It will keep me entertained and give me something productive to do. I haven't really had a chance to play it much yet though.
Aaron just gave me a new mobile, which I will get a sim card for on Thursday, because Thursday is pay day.

What else is new?
not much really, I have spent quite a bit of money on clothes and toiletries lately, but I didn't really have much clothes before and the clothes I did have no longer fit me so there. Thats my excuse... shhh... I love shopping, and clothes and all those wonderful things.

Anyways thats enough for now. Not really interesting but oh well.
I don't really have anything inspirational to say at this point in time. Maybe my words of wisdom are to just go with the flow. I have such control of my life at the moment, that in some ways its too structured. So when you get the chance, let everything go, be happy and just do what you want to do. Because come Monday morning, every thing goes back to normal and you have to fit into that tight little box we call life.

xoxo

Update

Moxie =)

Yush?

Dad and meee.

Wow!
I just realised I actually haven't written in ages. So much has happened.

Okay so, Muffin my dog died a few months ago. It was for the best.
We got a new kitten, a new addition to the household, not as a replacement. Mum needed an animal around, as company. He and her have a very amazing relationship. His name is Moxie and thats a picture of him up the top there =)

I got a job!!! I work at Pets Paradise. It's wikked.
It has made me realise I am definatly doing Vet Nursing.
I love animals, and want to do something worth while with my life... I really do.
It's going to be hard though.
Very hard.

Having money is so good. I bough my dad a Nintendo Wii as a thankyou. He loves it. I'm pleased.

I have so many clothes and shoes and such, it's really good.
I am such a girl.
shh.


The end.
xoxo

Now I see.

Okay so first photos, me with very straight and me with rather curly hair about a month ago.

On another note ive finally almost reached my goal weight. yush.

NOW...

the word of the day = Perspective

Finally I get it, I have been through too much to care about the little things.

So I talked to a friend tonight and she helped me work through some things. I don't have that many people to talk to these days, but I will never forget what I learned tonight.
So thankyou.

So the last month or so has been a very hard time for me. Aaron and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch. But I get it.

I love him, and he loves me.
It is very rare in this world to find this.
So what am I?
Lucky.

Though there is always going to be hard times within relationships and within life, hold onto what you have if that is what you want.
He is what I want.
This will never ever change.
I have observed with my mama and daddy what two people can endure if they love each other.
And That has taught me so much I can't even begin to describe it.

So we will be okay.
I will be okay.
Promise.

Aaron if you are reading this. I love you with everything I have, but you know that.

I also figured a lot of other stuff out in my head.
It's good to get stuff off of your chest sometimes.


Okay so my post is a bit confusing unless you are me and know what im actually rambling on about but yeah. I get it so thats all that matters.
I'm happy.

Beautiful.

I have put everything into PERSPECTIVE.

last few Days.

On sunday my family and I went to fremantle, and as always I have a few pictures of myself from the day! We were in a park at the time.

Whilst in Fremanle we went to the Fremantle Prison. I have been there once before with school on a photography excursion but this time we had a tour guide and it was a lot more interesting. Above there is a few pictures I took from inside the prison.
I want to explain the photos starting from the left and working across to the right.
1. The view of one of the corridoors, looks so lonely...can you even imagine there was 1000+ prisoners inside the walls at one stage?
2. The execution room. The noose in the middle and a chair. The prisoner never got to actually see that room, for the safety of the executioner. They would have to sit on that chair with the noose around their neck and the trap door beneath them closed. Then the last sound they would hear is the lever to open the trap door and their necks snap. (they used a slipknot).
3. The outside limestone walls and the razor wire that at one stage surrounded the entire prison.
4. Another view of the corridoors.
5. One of the prisoners rooms. Tiny isn't it?
6. suicide net. Once one of the prisoners commited suicide by jumping from the top level to the ground floor the suicide nets were soon put in place. (not actually net, its wire).
7. Stairs going up. The sign says 'division 2'. There was four divisions in the entire prison, to rank the prisoners in order of the crimes they commited. One being the worst.
8. An aboriginal painting by one of the prisoners. (the man was a serial rapist and had a life sentence...brilliant artist though!)
9. The doors that were installed after the fremantle riot, where some of the prisoners lite the top level of the prison, which lead to the closing down of the prison. the reason the riot got out of hand is because from outside in the courtyards all the prisoners were able to run inside together. So the rotating doors were installed...one at a time please?

SOME PRISON FACTS?
1. The prison only closed in 1991. Until then Fremantle was the only prison in Perth.
2.The convicts built the prison themselves. It took them 7 years to complete.
3. There was originally only 1000 convicts.
4. The female and male prisoners only ever saw each other one sundays at Church.
5.When the prison was first up and running, with their wages from either working inside the prison or getting money put into their prison accounts from outside, the prisoners were able to buy TV's...only problem was that inside their cells, there was no electricity...nice ornament eh?
6. Only 40 something convicts were ever executed there.


I can not wait to go on the torchlight tour with dad. I think it will be amazing. When you think about it, with so much pain and suffering within the one space...there has to be someone or something still hanging around. Or at least I believe so.
In pure daylight you can almost feel the spirits, or take yourself back to the days where they were all there, and imagine what it was like, I can only imagine how much stronger those feelings are at night.
I believe the prison is haunted... It has to be.

Today is Mama's birthday, so Happy Birthday mummy =)
Hope your day is wonderful. I love you.

Oh and by the way, I haven't smoked a ciggarette in almost four days. I'm on the patches and it is Aarons valentines pressie from me. Gosh it is so hard. Panic attacks, sweats, shakes, breakdowns...and the list goes on, but it's worth it...or at least thats what I am trying to tell myself. I would kill for just one drag though. But I wont give in. Promise.

Well that is all
xoxo

morning.

Goodmorning sunshine.

Well I just woke up and Aaron and I decided to go and visit Andrew which is where I am right now =)

Later on today I think we might go out for lunch or maybe dinner.

Shall be fun fun fun.

Mornings are cold these days...don't know why!

Well anyways I appear to be taking about nothing special.

So this is goodbye.

the end.

xoxo

Job hunting yes.
I just almost completed my K-mart and Myer applications...but they are part of coles-myer, and with last years 'incident' I'm hoping that I can still get a job with them! I also need to write up my resume, for all the other jobs I am thinking of applying for. fun fun.
I wan't a job damn it.

Anyways...so last night I spent around an hour thinking of what tattoo design I would like... for when I decide I actually want a tattoo. Not even 100% sure I want one at the moment.
But what I have come up with is the word 'adore' written either in english or chinese somewhere...perhaps on my wrist...or ankle...or hip. I don't know. The word adore actually means a lot to me, which I discovered last night. Think about it, to be adored...or to adore someone. It is just a beautiful word it has so many meanings to me.
Also I was thinking, instead of a butterfly or rose on my lower back, I thought maybe a small fairy on a toadstool and then a sort of whimsical design on either side of it. Yes maybe I do have a slight obsession with fairies, but it does go deeper than that. To me it represents life, belief, never loosing your imagination and being a child at heart.
I think these kind of tattoos would be a good idea, they are beautiful...to me anyways.
I am thinking about maybe drawing up the design at some time to get a slight grasp how exactly I want the design to be.

okay enough, thats all I have for today.
xoxo

la di da

So I found this photo with all my 'fairy' ones.
the end.


So tomorrow I'm going job hunting, will be interesting...very interesting indeed.

Also I want to get this silky top from villains BUT... I don't know what colour to get. It comes in

Red Blue Purple Yellow Green

What do I do. I'm thinking maybe red or purple.
I shall decide tomorrow.

Gosh. It's late...sort of.
what to do?

I miss him.
yes.

xoxo

Intoxicate me.

When I am with him I feel like I am floating, Like I am intoxicated and addicted to his presence. He can take me so high, to places that don't even exist in this reality, somewhere beyond my wildest dreams. To a place where frowns are forbidden and where your heart regularly skips a beat. A world of love and butterfly kisses. A place where anothers touch warms the soul and makes the heart flutter. He can take the pain away and replace it with pure happiness. He takes me somewhere higher than heaven. He makes me believe in things I never knew I could. My head is surrounded by his fumes, the fumes that seem to lift me up.

I didn't think I could love...
Untill I met him.

Take a look in the mirror.
Just look and see.
Who are you, inside and out?
Are you happy?
Do you want to change?

Do you have hopes and dreams?
Do you want to become something?

Do you like who you are at this very moment?


About a year ago, I took a good hard look at myself and decided that I didn't want to be the person I was anymore.
With the help of about five main people, one in particular...I headed on my journey to become a better person and discover who I really was...who I am.
I am happy.
With myself and with life.
Life isn't perfect, and I have learnt to accept that.
You can't dwell on the past or on life in general.
It will only hurt.
I am now closer to a lot of people I let go of for a while, and that is the best gift of all, in my eyes anyways.
Make every day the best you can make it.
Appreciate every little thing.
Take in every little thing.
And one day you may just be able to understand.

xoxo

Photos yah

Okay so this is the only photo I actually like from Christmas, so that's all you will get yes.
Enough about Christmas
Enough about new years.
The end.







Now for my thoughts on life eh?
So I have realised that having high expectations is not always a good thing.
Because then when things don't go your way you get dissapointed.
not good.
Then the person/people who didn't live up to your mighty expectations also get caught in the middle.
So in the end, expect nothing and you will always end up with something.
That way no one has to read your mind and live up to what you want them to be.
And you will always be happy.
...if only it were so easy.
Can't I just have my fairytale ending?




To the world you are just one person, but to one person you are the world.

...I hope so.

New photos! hehe

Oki doki then. Went to Nan and Da's today, these are the pics lol.
I am quite happy with the way they turned out =D

christmas.

So Christmas is in three days. I am actually looking forward to christmas this year.
Christmas is funny, it brings out the crazy in people.
Christmas these days is materialistic, and to many it symbolises the end of the year and what you have and havent accomplished. Then these thoughts and feelings last until new years where we realise that we can't change anything, so we make resolutions and have high hopes.

What happened to the days where we decorated our hand picked christmas trees with pop corn and string?
What happened to the days where christmas wasn't such a rush, with people freaking out about shopping and presents?
What happened to the days where Christmas was just about family? Christ? Christmas cheer?

Okay Okay.
So maybe I do like the presents and the food.
But seriously sometimes Christmas brings out the bad in people.
I went to the city one year and saw a woman knock over a old lady just to get the last toy for her son.
Lets think about that one shall we?
so yeah your three year old son (who can't even grasp the concept of christmas) has one more gift to acompany the billions of others under your tree.
But an old lady can't stand up and socialise with her family at christmas lunch...because of you.
please tell me if it is worth it?
eh?

For me, presents aside. Christmas is very emotional.
My mum can't join us for christmas with the family.
And here comes what I was talking about earlier.
I look back and see what our family has gone through this year and it makes me sad in some ways but oh so very happy in others. I guess to just focus on the possitive - My mum and I have become so close, and to be honest she is like my mum when she needs to be, but she can be like my best friend at other times. I would have never thought we could be so close. It means the world to me that we can get along like we do, and with such love. She may not have been able to do a lot of the things most mums do, but she has done so much more. She is amazing. She inspires me. She has given me the emotional support I needed. And to be honest I wouldn't give up our relationship for the world. My dad, he is just a remarkable human being, he has also given me the emotional support I needed this year. He holds us together as best he can. He is also an inspiration to me. My daddy and I have the best father daughter relationship I have ever seen. He has given up his time to to take me places. I cant even explain what me and my dad have, he has always just been my daddy, and I will always be his little girl. My parents are everything to me. And I thank them for everything. I guess this year I have been able to see my parents as not only 'mother and father' but human beings aswel. They have pain, happiness, love...every emotion I have. And I have been able to see that and accept it in the best way possible.
We may not have a "normal"(...whatever the hell normal is) life. But we have each other. Things are tough...very tough at times. But we help where we can. We may not have as much money as some, we may not have a perfect house, we have many problems with sickness inside the walls of this home. But The one thing I can feel as soon as I enter the door, is love.
And that is one thing money can't buy.

xoxo

photoshop fun.

Okay so, last few days I have been playing around with photoshop, its really quite fun.
Manipulating photos is fun <3
Mum got the idea of 'pop art' in my head, so I thought I might try it out.

colour

Just a touch of colour

Imagine a life without colour.
Imagine if your heart was black and cold.
Imagine a world in black and white.

When I say colour I don't really mean colour as we know it.
I mean emotions.
Change.
Difference.
Indeviduality.
People.
Expression.
Life.
Passion.
...and the list goes on.

We all need colour in our lives...



Okay so I don't really have a lot to say at the moment. Well I do, I just don't know how to go about writing it at this point in time. So we will leave this one here then.
xoxo

...

<3

Life is funny, its like a ball of play dough. You can make it into what ever you want it to be, sometimes it just takes a bit of practice first. And if you want to make a masterpiece, all you need is some people to share their play dough with you.

Life takes so many twists and turns, sometimes you just can't keep up. I have come to the decision that as much as you do have control of your own life, sometimes the people in it decide to take you on a rollercoaster. And you just have to sit and enjoy the ride. Sometimes the ride is amazing, sometimes it's not. You just have to learn to accept that, and love the whole trip. You have to like the unexpected, but be ready for it to pop up at any time. You have to welcome change, and stare a challenge in the eyes and hope to overcome it. You have to wake up with a smile, and go to bed with no regrets. You have to make sure the ones you love know that they mean everything to you. You have to take care of yourself, but make sure that it doesn't effect the ones around you in a neggative way. Most of all, you have to learn to embrace life and all its flaws.

In the past year I have grown. I used to let all of lifes unfortunate events hit me straight on, and let the wound bleed. I covered the ground I stood on in tears. I let the darkness devour me. But I now know that there is no time to let that happen. As long as the days seem, and the years drag on, life is short. If you only opened your eyes and looked around you can see that. The world is a beautiful place, and if you have special people in your life it makes it a whole lot better. I thank everyone who has helped me see that. Don't waste the time you have dwelling on the neggative, your time could be up tomorrow. Don't bother with the 'what if's?' because in the end, if its a wrong choice its a lesson, and if it was a good choice you have gained something.

Life is beautiful. Your family is beautiful. Your friends are beautiful. Your lover is beautiful. Take advantage of all the beauty around you.

xoxo